Excerpt from our audiobook True Stories of Online Dating
Let’s just say it, online dating is so hard, it makes me want to throw my phone into the ocean and start raising goats somewhere WiFi can’t find me. If you’ve ever wondered, “Why is online dating so hard?” congratulations, you’re officially part of the secret society of people who have both swiped left on their soulmates and accidentally matched with their ex. In the modern dating world, many people feel like love is just one endless scroll through profiles that all look like they were written by the same AI bot.
I’ve spent years in this wild online dating jungle, and let me tell you, dating apps were supposed to make dating easy, but somehow, they made it even harder for both men and women. Here’s the truth, dating was never easy, but dating so hard has become a whole personality trait in the 2020s. Let’s break down why, and what to do when it feels like you’ll never meet the right person, online or in real life.
It’s Not Just You. Online Dating Is Hard.
You know those stories about couples who met on an app and are now living their best cottagecore life together? For every one of those, there are a thousand ghost stories of people who went on a first date and spent the whole time calculating how long they had to stay before faking a work emergency. Online dating throws you into a sea of people who might not even be real, let alone ready for a relationship.
Years ago, dating meant going out and talking to someone at a party or getting set up by a friend. Now, many people feel like the only way to meet people is to download an app, build a “good” profile, and hope for the best. But that first message? It can feel like sending a carrier pigeon into a hurricane. The dating world has changed, maybe for the better, maybe not. One thing is certain: it’s never been this difficult to find a real connection.
The Endless Audition. Why Dating Apps Make Us Perform.
Dating apps are like a never-ending audition for the role of “potential partner.” Men and women spend hours tweaking their profiles, trying to look like the best version of themselves. There’s pressure to look a certain way, say the “right” things, and feel interesting, but not weird; genuine, but not too real; fun, but also stable. It’s exhausting. Even if you get a lot of matches, you may still feel like no one really sees you for who you are.
Back in the “good old days” (read, ten years ago), meeting someone felt less like work and more like, well, living life. Now, it’s a lot of work to just get to the first date stage. Many people find themselves wondering if they’re doing something wrong, or if the apps are just broken. (Spoiler: it’s a little of both.)
“Choice” Paralysis. Too Many Fish, Not Enough Sushi.
Here’s the deal: online dating gives us an unlimited menu of potential matches, but too much choice doesn’t make it easier, it makes it harder. You keep thinking, “What if the right person is just one more swipe away?” You meet people you like, but always wonder if someone better is out there. It’s a recipe for always feeling unsatisfied. Many men and women feel like they’re never good enough, never hot enough, never interesting enough to stand out in a sea of singles.
It’s not just you. Dating apps are designed to make you feel this way, so you keep coming back for more. The companies behind these apps don’t actually want you to find love, because then you’d stop using them. (Capitalism: the real third wheel.)
Swipe Fatigue Is Real (And It’s Making Us Miserable)
Let’s talk about swipe fatigue. It’s the feeling you get when you realize you’ve been on the apps so long that you remember when Tinder was new. Online dating takes so much time and energy that it can feel like a second job, but one where you never get paid, and the “boss” never texts you back.
Dating, in theory, should be fun. But in the modern world, it’s easy to get discouraged. Many people feel like every first date is a job interview, and every unanswered message is a little rejection to add to the pile. Even when you do get a response, there’s a good chance it fizzles out after three texts about “what do you do for work?” or “seen any good shows lately?”
The Self-Esteem Rollercoaster
Nothing messes with your confidence quite like online dating. You could get a lot of matches, but still feel alone. Or you could get no matches and wonder if you’re secretly invisible. Women deal with creepy messages and unwanted advances. Men worry about being ignored or never getting replies. Everyone feels like they’re not “good enough” at some point. It’s hard to put yourself out there, especially when it seems like everyone else is living their best dating life while you’re still trying to make “Hey” sound interesting.
The truth? Most people are struggling. Many don’t talk about it. But trust me, we’re all right there with you, quietly screaming into the void.
Ghosting, Breadcrumbing, and the Art of Being Ignored
If you think dating so hard now, just wait until you meet “the ghost.” Ghosting is when someone you’ve been talking to just disappears. Breadcrumbing is when they pop up every few weeks with a “Hey, how are you?” but never actually want to meet. Modern dating is full of people who don’t know what they want or are too afraid to say it. It makes it even harder to trust, even when someone seems great.
Algorithms, Addiction, and the Business of Loneliness
Here’s the truth. Dating apps are not here to help you find love. They’re here to make money. The more time you spend swiping, the better for them. That’s why the apps are addictive, they’re built to make you keep looking, even if you’re not really sure what you want. The dopamine hit you get when someone matches with you? That’s no accident. It keeps you coming back, hoping the next swipe will be “the one.”
But all that swiping doesn’t make it easier to meet someone. In fact, it often makes it harder. We get stuck in this cycle of looking, matching, chatting, and, most of the time, never actually meeting up in real life.
Are We Even Looking for Love, or Just a Dopamine Hit?
I’ll be real: sometimes it’s easier to just see who liked your profile than to actually make plans and go on a first date. Many people want love, but end up chasing attention or validation instead. It’s not your fault, these apps are designed to make you feel like you need to keep playing the game.
But here’s a secret: real relationships don’t happen on your phone. They happen in real life, face-to-face, with all the awkwardness and vulnerability that comes with it. It’s scary, but it’s the only way to get something genuine.
Scammers, Catfish, and Trust Issues 2.0
The online dating world is full of people who aren’t who they say they are. Scammers and catfish are everywhere, and many people have stories about that one “too good to be true” match. The emotional cost of being vulnerable online is real. Victims of romance scams don’t just lose money, they lose trust, self-esteem, and sometimes feel like they’ll never be able to meet people without second-guessing everything.
Research shows that the trauma from these scams can be intense, often worse than the financial loss. If you’ve ever felt stupid, ashamed, or like you “should have known better” you’re not alone. This is a hard truth of modern dating that doesn’t get talked about enough.
Emotional Labor and the Cost of Being Vulnerable
Dating, especially online, means putting yourself out there, again and again, even when it feels like you never get what you want. The emotional labor is huge, for men and women. Many of us feel like we have to be “on” all the time, always presenting the best version of ourselves. It’s no wonder we’re tired.
When Every Match Feels Like a Red Flag
It’s easy to get cynical. You see red flags everywhere: someone with no last name, blurry photos, profiles that don’t make sense, people who want to “move to WhatsApp” after two messages. Trust your gut! Dating is hard enough without having to play detective. But don’t let it turn you off to the idea of meeting someone real.
Is There Any Hope Left? (Spoiler – Yes, But Not the Way You Think)
If you’re feeling burnt out by online dating, know this: many people are right there with you. It’s okay to take a break. It’s okay to delete the apps, even if just for a week. Real life is out there and sometimes the best thing you can do is give yourself space to breathe.
Here’s what works.
- Get real about what you want. It’s okay to be honest, even if it means you get fewer matches.
- Put yourself in new social situations. You never know who you might meet at a friend’s party, a book club, or just by saying yes to something new.
- Be kinder to yourself. Dating is hard. It’s not a reflection of your worth.
- Ask for help. Talk to friends, join communities, get your profile reviewed by someone who gets it.
- Remember: You don’t need many dates. You need one good connection.
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