How to Decenter Men While in a Relationship

 
Dating used to be this surreal experience where I'd go on a date with some guy and somehow my happiness (or lack thereof) would be boiled down to whether or not I'd landed a position in some imaginary game of courtship. Which is crazy, because I never actually asked to be playing that game in the first place.
Instead of asking myself if I actually liked the guy I was on a date with, I was always wondering if I had somehow managed to "pass" the test. It's just this completely messed up thing that happens when we let guys take over the narrative of our lives. 
Modern dating has turned into some sort of bizarre reverse where we are the ones auditioning and they get to be the ones handing out the verdicts on whether or not we make the cut. 
We let them decide if we're worthy, if we're liked enough, or if we're good enough, and its all happening without us even realizing that this is what's going down. We've basically let them become the gatekeepers of our own lives, and I'd love to know when on earth thats supposed to have started.

  

    
Practical Analysis
    

      
    
  
The Great Misunderstanding 
(No, You Don't Have to Go Live in a Tree & Start Talking to the Moon)
The phrase "decentering men" slips into the cultural conversation like a mysterious post-it note on your desk... important, slightly unnerving, and totally misunderstood.
Your brain just about freaks out as all the conditioning and expectations you've had since you were a kid start kicking in:
Do I have to give up dating entirely now?
Just pretend men don't exist?
Start living in some woodland retreat & develop a deep spiritual connection to the moon?
No way. (I like the moon; don't get me wrong.)
But honestly, it's no wonder we're all confused. It's not a coincidence. The whole way we're taught to think in our culture is part of the problem. A quick scan through the cultural rule book (basically everything around us) shows us that women are not just encouraged to, but actually built to believe that being chosen, being picked, means you're worth something. Being wanted = being seen, being heard, being valued.
Nowhere in there is romance, it's about being stamped with approval.
So when you're told to "decenter men", what's actually being asked of you is something way deeper and way less dramatic than all this tree-hugging nonsense:
Just take men out of the top spot in the narrative of your life.
Don't delete them entirely, they can just chill in the background.
You decide.
How to Identify a Center You Never Knew You'd Built
The trouble is, of course, that figuring out if you've unwittingly fallen into a center - you know, where you're obsessively adjusting to someone else's expectations - doesn't come with the usual warning signs we rely on in modern life like blaring sirens or that one coworker who says "Hey, just check in with yourself for a second". Nope, it slips in quietly, efficiently and with a very official-looking set of rules to obscure just how out of whack you are.
Actually, if you were to take a closer look - which I've done, quite exhaustively, for a few minutes now - you'd probably find that it behaves more like a mundane work process than some kind of dramatic emotional event - the one with lots of forms, maybe even laminated ones.
Researchers (that's me, for now) have spotted a few warning signs which I've compiled in Appendix A - a document which didn't exist about 5 minutes ago.
Some of those signs include, but are probably not limited to:
Rereading a text message like it's some super sensitive diplomatic note between two countries teetering on the brink of war
Examining punctuation choices like a sleep-deprived linguist who's been working nonstop since the Bush administration
Making tiny, ongoing changes to your personality like a software patch you don't really need but everyone's just supposed to install anyway
Whittling away at your opinions until they fit into a standard airline carry-on, considering the emotional baggage and all
None of these activities ever feel all that alarming - in fact, they probably just feel like you're doing the right thing. You know, being responsible, thinking things through, even a little bit "grown up" - we use that word like we use "low-fat" - technically true but also a bit misleading.
And that's when the system starts really humming along, because once something starts feeling normal, the internal committee that makes all the decisions in your head - ie "Well I Guess This Is Just How It Works" - just gives it a thumbs up.
Beneath all the tweaking, the re-reading and the quiet self-overhauls - there's one central operating question, humming along low-key like a fridge that's probably about to break down:
"How am I coming across to others?"
This question gets the keys to the kingdom, chairs meetings, and pulls the purse strings.
Meanwhile, there's a second question hovering in the background - smaller, less forceful and probably dressed in some unimpressive outfit for its corporate debut:
"Do I even actually like this person?"
That question never gets called in - doesn't have the clearance, doesn't even know how to send out an invite.
So what happens, predictably, is that a whole system develops around this guy you met a couple of days ago and who basically just said stuff like "yeah totally" and "that's wild" which you've probably filed away, annotated and possibly colour-coded.
Before you know it, you're not really interacting with a person any more. You're running a small, touchy emotional solar system where he's the sun, you're a dedicated moon and your friends are distant planets shouting "are you okay?" across the void.
This feels like a crisis. It feels serious. And at times, even, like maybe it's destiny.
From a technical perspective though, it's absolute madness.
From a practical standpoint, it's alarmingly efficient.
And historically, we probably will do it all over again. Again and again.
A BRIEF LECTURE ON PATRIARCHY (WITH MINIMAL SHERRY)
Patriarchy, despite its branding as a sweeping historical force, operates in practice more like an office policy no one remembers approving but everyone is somehow following. It does not require belief. It does not require enthusiasm. It does not even require a memo, although if it did, it would be written in a tone that suggests this is all for your professional development.
What it does require is repetition.
In practice, it doesn't need a lot of fanfare or convincing. It doesn't even need some company email laying down the law, although if it did, it would probably be written in that kind of patronizing tone you see in team-building exercises. What it really needs is to be repeated over and over - a bit like how some of us get used to that one weird cousin at the family reunion, you know?
As years go by, and all the 'experts' (that's just some mates having a chat) agree that's just how things are - most of us won't even notice the gradual shift until one morning when you wake up and suddenly wonder what on earth is going on.
For example:
Your worth is going to be decided by people who probably didn't even read the full proposal
Your job is to make do, which is nice way of saying you need to bend over backwards without asking for any real change
Your unease is actually just an opportunity for you to fix things quietly, without getting the boss involved
Each one of these little rules seems okay on its own. But when you put them all together, you get a system that runs like clockwork - a system that's great for the people who are already in charge, to put it bluntly.
According to all the so-called 'research' I've done (just me, on my own, with a cup of coffee) this system works a treat because it all just kind of... happens. You don't get any sort of formal introduction or anything, no one sits you down with a lanyard and a cup of rubbish coffee to explain the deal. Instead, you just pick it all up as you go along.
It's a bit like when a family's been doing things a certain way for so long that you can't even remember where you got the idea in the first place. You just kinda do it because that's what everyone else does and you don't want to be that person who gets it wrong.
And then - and this is the best bit - you start to make up all sorts of fancy language to make it sound all brilliant and magical. You start to call it 'chemistry' and then you can just fob off any criticism by saying "Oh, it's just chemistry".
Which is great, because chemistry sounds like science, and science is something you can't really argue with, even when it is quietly turning your whole personality on its head.
DECENTRING ISN'T GOING TO BE SOME DRAMATIC SCENE
or the revolution's going to be super quiet and pretty unexciting.
Now we get to the bit where the theory gets to meet reality - and reality's not exactly known for being a fun place to hang out. This is the part that usually involves a general air of awkwardness - not the kind you see in the movies, but more like a low-key ribbon-cutting ceremony in a small town, attended by a few officials who have no idea what's going on and a person holding some scissors who isn't quite sure what they're cutting.
Decentering - you know the usual stuff that gets hyped up online - it doesn't involve grand speeches, dramatic exits in the rain, or staring out a window with the sound of a piano in the background.
What it really involves is some things that are actually pretty scary to a lot of people :
Consistency.
Setting boundaries.
And - let's face it - a whole lot of boredom that might just send some people running for cover.
This actually looks like:
Not feeling like you need to give a whole presentation for your needs - like you're standing in front of a skeptical board
Not trying to get clarity out of someone who seems to be making things more confusing by the minute
Not going along with someone who's just going to create more chaos because you're not willing to drop the ball yet - you know, like when people keep trying to make a badly behaving kid behave by yelling at them more
At first glance, all this might seem pretty minor. Almost like just routine maintenance stuff. Which is exactly why it's so freaking unsettling.
Because the kind of system we're talking about here, it thrives on this kind of escalating chaos. More effort, more analysis, more jumping around someone else's ambiguous statements like a rubber ball - that's what it craves. But take that away, and suddenly the whole thing starts to come apart at the seams like a folding table at a dodgy corporate retreat.
Decentering also means building a life that doesn't have to be constantly explained or babysat. That includes things like:
Friends who aren't just extensions of your dating life
Hobbies that you do just because you enjoy them, not because you're trying to impress others
Time that you can use as you want, not having to constantly be on the lookout for that one text that just says 'hey'
And sometimes - and this is where things get really radical - that means just getting out when something feels plain wrong.
Not trying to fix it, not trying to talk it out. Just leave.
That's the bit that really gets some people in a tizzy, because it cuts out a whole bunch of pointless discussion.
Yes, We Can Decenter Men While in Romantic Relationships
Decentering men starts with the fact that the relationship you're in should actually be making your life better. 
You build your life, you create something that exists independently - and if someone wants to join in and be a part of it well that's a bonus
If not though that's just fine , you weren't looking to find someone to complete you in the first place
And just to put things straight:
You don't owe it to anyone to keep giving them the benefit of the doubt, ever.
You only have one priority here.
Figuring out what makes you happy and taking care of yourself.